Even Coaches Get Sick: Lessons in Resilience and Rest (Season 1 Finale)

The season 1 finale didn’t go as planned — because life didn’t go as planned.

In this deeply personal episode, I share what happened when an unexpected and serious illness forced me to stop, surrender control, and put my own coaching and mindfulness practices to the test.

I open up about my three months of struggle, the weeks in the hospital, the wake-up calls about health and priorities, and the lessons I’m taking forward — about presence, compassion, letting go, and the power of asking for help.

If you’ve ever faced a setback that left you feeling powerless, or needed a reminder to care for yourself the way you care for others, this episode is for you.

Thank you for being part of Season 1. Your listening, your support, and your presence have meant the world. I can’t wait to continue the journey with you in Season 2.

💬 Let’s stay connected: www.integrityandjoy.com

📱 Instagram & TikTok: @integrityandjoy

Themes: impermanence/everything is temporary; surrendering; priorities; healthcare; mindfulness; meditation

Transcript

Steve Walker: 0:05

Welcome to Integrity and Joy. I'm Steve Walker. This is episode 20 of Integrity and Joy, the season finale. Even coaches get sick. Lessons in resilience and rest. So welcome to Integrity and Joy. I am Steve Walker, former U.S. diplomat, activist, educator, and now life coach, meditation teacher, and podcaster. Welcome. This is episode 20, A Long Time in the Making. And I'll tell you more about that in a minute. If you're new to the podcast, thanks for tuning in. If you have been listening all along, thank you, thank you, thank you. In all cases, I hope you're following the podcast. If not, please do so today. and leave a rating and review. We'd love to get as many five-star ratings as possible. It gets the podcast in front of more people and it will take you, I don't know, two seconds to do it. So please, please, please do it before you leave today. So this is a long time in the making. If you've been watching or listening for a while, this is actually the first time that we're intentionally recording video. So we're figuring out if we want to do it for the second season. But anyways, if you've been listening all along or for a while, you'll know that every week, Tuesday morning early, a new episode will come out. And the first 19 went just like that. So easy. And I was really looking forward to episode 20 because it was going to be the last one of season one. So I was kind of excited about that. And There's data that says that most people don't make it to episode 20, that most podcasters quit before then. So I was like, well, then I don't think I'll have any problem making it to 20. Well, I had no problem making it to 19. And then the universe hit the pause button on my life. I got very sick. I spent a couple of weeks in the hospital, but I've been battling something for two and a half months at least, almost three months, almost three months. And it's been a heck of a wake up call and a lot of life lessons that have either been learned or relearned or affirmed over the last couple of months. And I thought I would share that with you. I thought that today, I would share what's been happening and my reflections on it because I think it could help somebody. It could resonate with somebody. And I think it's about a lot of the stuff that we talk about in terms of how to live a good life and how to deal with adversity and how to be fully present and control what you can control and let go of the rest. So that's what I'm going to talk about today. And Um, you know, in advance, if anything resonates with you, I hope you'll reach out and have a conversation, you know, maybe about how one-to-one coaching could maybe help you, um, uh, you know, or an integrity circle or, um, at least make sure you're following me on social media and integrity and joy. But, um, But ideally, if something resonates in this or any episode and you'd like to talk about how life coaching might be of help to you, go to integrityandjoy.com and you'll get more information. The first call is always free, so there's no risk to it. Anyway, so early mid-April, feeling good. Spring's here. Looking forward to the summer. Went to a concert. Got home and as I started to get out of the car, I couldn't move because I had this excruciatingly sharp pain in my upper middle back, you know, right between the shoulder blades just off of the spine. And it took me by surprise. It took my breath away. And I was like, oh my gosh. And I did nothing to cause it, I thought. And Eventually I made it inside and couldn't really sleep that night. Didn't really eat the next day. Really, really, really just in a lot of pain, very uncomfortable. And it was a Saturday. So my primary care wasn't available, obviously. So I went to the ER that evening and the ER was packed. Not enough space as per usual. So I'm on a gurney in the hallway, which doesn't feel good, but is what it is. And and but the staff, you know, was really busy and overworked, but really wonderful. A couple of doctors, a couple of nurses were really, you know, not just caring and attentive and, you know, really intelligent, but compassionate, like really caring and compassionate. It really kind of struck me. just how much so. And they did tests. They did a CAT scan and an X-ray looking for life-threatening things like blood clots and aneurysms. And fortunately, that all came back negative. And then they said, well, at the end of the night, they're like, well, it's probably muscular. So here's some painkiller and... muscle relaxant for a couple of days and go see your primary care physician, you know, in two or three days. Okay. Rest of the weekend, more of the same, you know, the, you know, the, the medication, you know, took the edge off a little bit at times, but I was still pretty miserable and no appetite. And within three or four days I had lost seven pounds, you know, so that's a lot in a short amount of time. And, um, Couldn't see my primary care physician because, as most of you know, we have a shortage of primary care physicians, not only in this area, which is incredible, right? I'm in the Boston area. I'm looking at the city right now. That's how close I am. And so you get all these medical schools, all these tremendous, you know, facilities, hospitals that are not enough. It took me, when I moved here two years ago, it took me... It took me almost a year to get a primary care physician because they were all booked up and had waiting lists. So I couldn't see my primary care, but someone else in the practice was available. So I saw them. They ordered a couple more tests to rule out other serious stuff and then prescribed physical therapy. So I started going to physical therapy. I went a few times. I know in the moment it might have helped us a little bit, but quickly wore off and it really, really didn't help. And so I then, you know, started to feel worse and started to have some other symptoms. And I called up the primary care physician's office again and said, you know, hey, I've got a follow up visit in a couple of weeks, but I really need to see somebody now. I feel pretty miserable. And they're like, well, we could move you up a week, but nothing before then. And I said, well, but this is really bad. And they said, well, then go to the ER. And I thought, well, that seems like an unsatisfactory answer, but it is what it is. So it was a Friday late in the day, and I went to the ER. And again, on a gurney in the hallway, But fortunately, I was assigned to a physician's assistant who said, look, you know, you were here three weeks ago with this back pain and you've got a couple other things going on now, but like no one's been able to figure out what's going on with your back pain. Like, we're going to figure this out tonight. I thought, oh, thank goodness somebody's finally going to give me the right help. And so she wanted to order an MRI of my whole spine, which I was very happy about. And then her boss came by like 15, 20 minutes later and said, no, we're not going to do that because if they found something like a herniated disc or something, that's a tough part of the spine to get to surgically. So they're probably not going to operate. So what's the point? Well, I think the physician's assistant went back to him and said, you know, hey, this guy needs some answers and an MRI might help. show something and, and, you know, it's up to the neurosurgeons to decide whether to operate or not, but, but it might show something else other than a disc and let's get this done. So he came back into his credit. He said, okay, sure. Change your mind. I'm persuaded. Let's do it. So they did an MRI that showed something was going on. They did a couple of followup MRIs to get a better look at two different parts of my spine and, um, and admitted me to the hospital. And, uh, in the morning, first thing in the morning, seven o'clock in the morning, a neurosurgeon comes by with, with, uh, you know, with my MRI and says, you know, you have an infection in your spinal cord and on your spine, and you have an abscess next to your spinal cord that's infected. Like what? That's a thing. You can get a infection in your spinal cord and in your spine like I he's like yeah I said oh my god how does that happen he said well who knows he said could have been just a cut or a bug bite or something like that that you didn't notice that got infected and you know the organism gets in the bacteria gets in and ends up deciding to camp out in your spine um it was also my blood which was very worrisome because of sepsis and and uh you know can spread to other organs and other parts of your body and um But I felt, you know, I felt remarkably good considering the pain and considering some of the other symptoms. And the neurosurgeon even said something about it. You're like, wow. He says, you know, this is a little bizarre. He said, people with this MRI looking this bad don't look like you do. Like, you look pretty good. He said, you know, it's a testament to how well you've been taking care of yourself, I guess. Though within 36 hours, I was in pretty bad shape. I... It was even hallucinating a bit and ended up sleeping for about 48 hours. And just my body was using all its energy. That's why I'd lost so much weight. By this point, I'd lost 25 pounds in three weeks. And when I woke up, I felt like a 96-year-old man. I had no energy. I had to lie down if I... did the simplest thing. I couldn't walk more than a room or two away. And my body just needed everything it could to fight this thing. And so they put me on really strong antibiotics. And the first week, they were able to get the infection out of my blood, which was a relief. And then this, you know, by the end of the second week, they were I was in good enough shape that they could switch me to an antibiotic that I could administer from home with a PICC line. So they put a they put a catheter basically in through my arm all the way to my heart. And then, you know, I could with like an IV port at the end of it and I could inject myself. several times a day with antibiotics, still very strong antibiotics. And that meant that they could send me home after two weeks, which was a relief. But it was really, you know, it was, I think looking back, I was not quite as aware of how serious it was. The infectious disease doctor last week said to me four times, we were really worried about you when you were in the hospital. Um, so I was very sick, I guess. Um, and which I kind of knew, but didn't, I don't think fully appreciate it. And partly also, I, we, you know, so this is where some of the life lessons come in. First of all, like, obviously, like, I always preach, everything's temporary. You never know what's going to happen tomorrow. Well, in this case, yeah, my life went on hold for a everything's temporary and the universe, you know, threw me a curve ball and I had no control over that. Right. Uh, so I had to accept that. I had to accept that everything is temporary. And right now this is what's in front of me, but also hopefully that with good healthcare, and I'm fortunate enough to live near a good hospital, a lot of good hospitals actually, and to have good insurance. Even then it's expensive, but I can handle that. So I'm fortunate, like many people aren't. And unfortunately, it looks like even fewer people are going to have access to any kind of affordable healthcare in the very you know, near future because of this bill that currently is being voted on in the House this week. But, so I'm fortunate, but at the same time, like, you know, very much aware of like, okay, Everything's temporary, but hopefully this illness is temporary. All I need to do right now is focus on this moment and getting healthy and doing whatever I need to do to help my body heal itself and to work with these wonderful professionals. And, you know, virtually every doctor and nurse, every person in the MRI unit, they were wonderful. I mean, just really caring, you know, generous souls. So I'm very appreciative to them. But it also forced me to, I think, focus on something else I preach a lot about, like really shrinking our circle of concern, the stuff that we worry about and think about and want to control or influence, but really a lot of it we don't, and then grow the circle of control, the stuff that we actually can control and influence. And in this case... Most stuff I had to let go of and surrender. And interestingly enough, surrender was like my word of the winter. I was really focusing and meditating a lot on that and surrendering what I couldn't control. And this was a moment where I had to do that, where I had to really focus on what I can control very little, getting rest, sleeping, drinking enough fluids, working well with the hospital staff. That was about it. And so that was huge. That was a big thing. And I adapted to it pretty quickly because for a lot of my life, I've had a pretty good mindfulness practice, meditation. I'm a life coach and have been doing this kind of work for a long time. And so... it's ingrained to some extent. It's also that I'm really good in a crisis. If you're having a crisis, I'm the person you want in the foxhole with you. I'm the life coach you want to help you navigate the difficult times in life because I had a lot of difficult times and crises growing up and as an adult early on, you know, some life or death situations in a couple of cases and learned not to panic, to be present, to be mindful, control what I can control, let go of the rest, just take one step in front of the other, baby steps in the direction you need to go. That's it. And so I'm really good in those situations. And so it all kind of clicked together pretty quickly. Um, not that I didn't have my moments of like, you know, worrying, you know, about, about the infection spreading or, um, getting even more serious, but, um, but it really was pretty good about staying in the moment. And, um, so I'm very grateful for my mindfulness practice, my meditation, uh, and a lot of the work I do with, with clients because it, it all, you know, I had to put it into practice and it, and it worked pretty well. So lessons for all of us, right? In addition, particularly growing up and early in my adulthood, I was not really good at asking for and receiving help. I was brought up, my dad in particular was a pull yourself up by your bootstraps and suck it up kind of guy, would send me to school sick. And then the school would send me home because I was throwing up. But I've learned throughout my adulthood more and more to be willing and able to ask for and receive help. I still struggle with it at times for sure. But this was a great example of that where I really had to ask for and receive a lot of help constantly. And so I'm grateful I was able to do that. it was also a great reminder of just taking care of and listening to our bodies in general. Um, again, like I, I fared better probably because of, of taking pretty good care of myself in general. You know, I have a chocolate problem, but, uh, generally I eat pretty well and, you know, I go to yoga three times a week and you know, I'm either walking three miles or five miles or on the Peloton every day. And, um, And so, you know, that helped me in advance. And then, you know, really had to be like hyper focused on, you know, listening to my body in the hospital, both in terms of like being able to report what I was actually feeling and experiencing, as well as you know, how far I could push myself a little bit more every day so that I could build my strength, get healthier, but also, you know, respecting my body's need to heal and to use whatever energy was available, you know, and take naps and rest and not push myself too hard. So, Uh, so that was like great. I mean, in some ways it really focuses you and, um, and it's a good life lesson that, you know, I'm got a new water bottle. My daughter nudged me so that I would drink more water. So there we go. And, um, and that's made a difference. And, and so, you know, really, you know, important reminders about listening to our body and and the connection between the mind body you know connection you know the you know I did a lot of visualization you know, visualizing myself, you know, my body healing itself. I don't know whether that helped physically. I think it probably did, right? Because our brain does respond to that stuff. Visualization is indistinguishable from reality in terms of our brains. So it probably did help to some extent, but it certainly helped in terms of my focus and my mood and, you know, giving me something to feel like I was contributing in some way to my healing. And then I think also, you know, having a prolonged crisis in which I was limited for a long time in terms of what I could do, because even after I got home, you know, still on the antibiotics, the IV antibiotics, I'm still on, excuse me, antibiotics. I'm, you know, taking oral antibiotics for another five weeks. So I'll have had 12 weeks of antibiotics total. Which is incredible, right? I mean, but, you know, we want to get this under control. It can still come back within a year or so, which is sobering. But obviously we would catch it faster and it wouldn't get as bad. But really, you know, was very limited when I got home for a couple of weeks in terms of what I could do. So with life on hold like that for a while, you know, there's time to sort of reflect and, you you know, think about my priorities and how I spend my time. And, you know, am I really, you know, fulfilling my purpose. How strong a sense of purpose do I have? And so it's helped me make some adjustments that I'm still figuring out in some cases, but in terms of how I spend my time and how I organize my time and some of the things with my business that I was sort of exploring or tinkering with and I'm going to let go and really focus on the core parts of my business, which are one-to-one coaching, launching integrity circles, which are these small of five to eight people who are committed to each other's personal and professional growth. Really wonderful. Especially during this time of feeling more isolated and lonely for people. And this podcast, Building Community. I mean, helping individuals and building community. I think that's like what my purpose is right now. So if something's directly related to that, great. And if it's not, forget it. And I'm trying to, you know, build this sense of community, you know, for people because we all need it. And and particularly now in our society, we need it. We need to feel more connected to each other, caring towards each other, look out for each other more, spread more love and compassion and empathy. So that's that's what I'm about. So I'm going to focus on that and and try and let go of the rest of it. So so, you know. even in a storm like I was experiencing, there's a silver lining to the dark clouds. And again, most of our growth and insights into ourselves comes during and out of crises, right? Big changes that we didn't anticipate that kind of make us uncomfortable or scared or whatever. But now all of a sudden we're more open to change. We're more open to looking at ourselves honestly and accurately. And so it's an opportunity as well. And so I'm trying to seize the opportunity to reflect and make adjustments in my life because as I learned again, everything is temporary, including life. We don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. We don't know if we're promised tomorrow or not. We're not. So I'm trying to seize the opportunity So I think it's important to remind ourselves that life is precious and it's limited and we don't know how limited it is. So let's focus on the things that really matter and let's focus on more love and more compassion for ourselves and each other. And that's what I'm going to be about. Even more so than before, even though that was my primary focus before. But now that's it. That's my goal. my litmus test. So anyway, so that was in some ways a blessing. And again, I think lessons learned in terms of the healthcare system, I think it's a lot of it is like reminders that there is a bit of scarcity, right? It's a limited commodity and we need to figure out how to fix the primary care physician problem. You know, that scarcity and access to it. We obviously need to fix the whole health insurance fiasco. you know, it got a little bit better because of Obamacare. And now we're seeing that reversed in some ways with Medicaid being cut to some extent. And Medicare is going to have a financial crisis 10 years from now or so. So we need to fix this stuff. We need to make sure that people have access to healthcare. It's ludicrous. Again, there were still challenges and expenses in my situation, and I'm pretty fortunate, right? It's not like I'm so wealthy that I can afford premium healthcare all the time immediately, but I'm pretty fortunate for middle class. And yet still, it doesn't work exactly the way you want it to work. And then, you know, hospital space and availability. And I'm lucky, you know, they might have been overcrowded, but, you know, and put me in this like one person room with another person and they had most of the room and I had this little like end of it by the window, right, cramped in. But still, there are people maybe even listening and watching who, you know, They don't have a hospital within a couple of hours. Rural areas, that's a real problem. And there are more rural hospitals that might be closing because of these Medicaid cuts. So that's a huge problem that we need to address, just basic access to health care. And then I think one thing that was really beneficial to me, to any of you health care providers out there, The extent to which doctors and nurses were able to be very transparent in their thinking and help me understand what was going on and what they were doing and why and have it be a little bit of a conversation in that case didn't take a lot of time, but it meant a lot. And it helped me focus on what I needed to focus on in terms of healing. So that was tremendous. And giving them feedback, what was working, what was not, how I was feeling in response to certain types of treatment. And I think that was really helpful too. And being an advocate for myself. We need ourselves or a relative or a friend with a healthcare proxy for us who feels up to it and capable to be an advocate for us. But we need to manage our own care to some extent. We need to advocate and ask good questions. And I always ask the experts at the end, what questions should I be asking that I didn't ask? Or what would you ask in this situation? And they appreciated that. So, you know, I think that was a big lesson. You're part of a team and you get to participate, not just sit there and listen and not ask questions or give feedback. Anyway, so I hope that's helpful. I mean, I hope it resonates. Probably a lot of you would resonate with i hope you you know leave in the comments or the reviews you know your experiences or or you know questions that it raises for you or things that were helpful for you um uh you know for for all of us and our loved ones they're going to be these health care crises you know health crises throughout our lives and um you know i think we've got to figure out how to how to do better as a society, but we also need to make sure we're taking care of ourselves and taking care of our loved ones and understanding how to give ourselves and our loved ones the best chances to heal and have healthy, happy, long lives. loving lives, right? That's the goal in the end. So thank you for listening, for being here, for letting me share not just the highs but the lows of what's going on in my life and the lessons learned. If this season has helped you or inspired you or made you feel seen or validated, I'd love for you to leave a review, share the show with a friend or a loved one, and drop me a note on Instagram or, you know, go to our website integrityandjoy.com and let me know what resonated with you and if you have any suggestions for season two please don't hesitate to let us know and if you'd like to explore how life coaching or an integrity circle or our community on Aura could be of help to you and your personal or professional journey sign up for a discovery call through our website and it's free and we can have a nice conversation about how I could be of help I hope you have a great summer and we We look forward to continuing the conversation towards the end of the summer. In the meantime, have a great rest of your day. Bye bye.